Paternity issues leave dad at a loss

My ex-wife told me our last child was not mine and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I demanded a DNA test — and she was right. Then I got the bright idea to test my daughter, who is three years older than the baby, and sure enough, she’s not mine, either. This is the worst thing that has ever happened, and I am at a loss. I’m not sure I want to leave forever. What about my kids? Do I have to tell my daughter she’s not mine?

I would never tell someone to leave — only you can make that decision, but I also have to say that your wife has questionable integrity and it will be difficult to stay once the gravity of what she has done really sinks in.

Now, let’s talk about telling the children. The speed in which you do this depends on their age and how much they will understand, but also if the biological father now wants to be in the picture. Although I am not an attorney, it is my understanding that at this point your daughter is yours whether she is biologically related to you or not.

First, she was born during a marriage and I believe the law thus presumes her to be yours. Plus, you probably signed the birth certificate.

Second, a family law code in every state helps to legally establish the parent and child relationship. In California, where I live, it is Family Law section 7511. It would be best for you to call an attorney who is familiar with the specific laws in your area.

Telling a child about their true parentage can be tough. Any adoptive parent will tell you that they thought about how to present it long and hard. But it is imperative that you do it. I’ve worked with people into their 20s who were never told of their biological parentage and then a misguided relative decided to drop the bomb. It can be emotionally devastating when not expected and uproot everything they think they know about themselves and their family.

There’s also the medical component. Most everything is inherited, from diabetes to mental illness. Your children need to know their medical history, so they can take the precautions needed to live a long, happy life.

Finally, taking everything into consideration, this level of betrayal is difficult to process. Many will stand back and dictate how you should handle it. Do what’s right for you and do it at your own pace. Talk to a therapist to help you walk through this. It’s a tough one, but you can rise above it for your children.