Resolve son’s problems before melding families

My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, but we’re waiting to give our children more time to get acquainted. He has two boys, 12 and 8, and I have a son, also 12.

I anticipate a problem when combining our families. Our sons are the same age, but very different. My son has a bad temper and recently got into trouble at school. I’m afraid if my boyfriend knows about it he will think my son is a bad influence and not want to move in. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 8 is “Be honest and straightforward,” and if you can’t, time to do some soul searching. If you must keep something from your boyfriend to get him to do what you want, you’re manipulating the situation and shame on you. Not only that, your son’s anger could be a sign of a lot of things, from a personality disorder to anxiety to just being ticked off at life right now.

For his sake — and we are putting the kids first, remember (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 1) — it may not be the right time to move in with someone. Rather than see his actions as a deterrent, let’s look at them as a blessing. Moving in now could be disastrous for not only your relationship, but your son’s psyche. Take care of that first before you decide to move forward because, the truth is, your son could be a bad influence if he’s struggling.

In his defense, your son has been facing some big challenges. He used to be an only child and had your undivided attention. Now he must split your attention with a new partner and additional children. He may have to share a room or even change schools. He has a lot on his plate, and rather than hide the problem from your partner, you need to all face this together. I doubt your son is the only child who is having problems adjusting. He’s just the loudest.

Here’s a practical suggestion: Begin by setting the stage for an open discussion about what you feel is appropriate behavior in various situations. Give your son suggestions for how you would like him to respond when faced with a particular situation again. Make a special point to allow your partner to observe how you handle various scenarios so he knows what you expect regarding parenting. Compare notes and make adjustments. That way, by the time you move in together, you will both be on the same page, but most of all, it will allow all the relationships to develop naturally.

Finally, don’t beat yourself up too badly — running defense between our children and new partners is quite common. A parent longs for things to be perfect, anticipates a disagreement between their child and their new partner, and feels the need to buffer the blows. You find yourself telling your child, “Of course, he loves you. Of course, he’s proud of you.” And, telling your new spouse, “Of course, he loves you. Of course, he respects you.” Nothing’s perfect. Step out of the way so their relationship can flourish on its own. That’s good ex-etiquette.