This is all going in my report, ma’am

A state trooper in Marysville, Wash., attempted to pull over a 42-year-old woman for expired tags, ordering her four times to stop with his loudspeaker, but she drove on for about a mile while shouting, “I will not! I drive a Prius. I am not pulling over there.” She said she wouldn’t stop until she reached a bank parking lot. When she did, the trooper had to force her out of the car, and, when he asked her name, she said, “None of your business!” WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU, MA’AM ... An employee at the Walmart in Brown Deer, Wis., who butt-dialed the police emergency number, wound up being taken to jail by officers who came to investigate because they found that there was a warrant out for her arrest. BEFORE WE GO OUT, I HAVE ONE TEENY FAVOR TO ASK ... A woman in Guthrie, Okla., wanted to have her ex-boyfriend killed because she was upset that he broke up with her. he tried to hire men to do the job — four in all — two of whom she had come in contact with on a dating app. EXCUSE ME, IS MY SANDWICH READY? ... While waiting for the sandwich he had ordered at the Subway restaurant in Norcross, Ga., a man jumped over the counter, grabbed cash from the register and ran out. He came back a few minutes later to get the sandwich. IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR ... While a woman distracted a clerk at a shop in Woodinville, Wash., her cohort stuffed Christmas ornaments down his pants and fled. I WAS FEELING A LOT BETTER ... A man, who said he was unable to continue to work as a railway conductor due to a back injury and collected more than $177,000 in disability payments, was arrested for fraud after authorities saw a Seattle tourism video of him doing yoga on a paddleboard. REMINDS ME OF AN UNCLE I HAD ... Birds in Gilbert, Minn., have been feasting on berries that had fermented earlier than usual due to an early frost. As a result, they have been getting very drunk, drifting around town looking disoriented, flying into windows and cars, and acting confused. HONEY, LET MOMMY TALK TO THE MEN NOW ... Police went to an apartment in Greensburg, Pa., in search of a man who was wanted for burglary and receiving stolen property, but his girlfriend claimed she hadn’t seen him in five days. Alas, the woman’s 4-year-old son begged to differ, telling deputies, “Come on, I’ll show you,” and led them to an electrical closet where the suspect was hiding. HI THERE NEIGHBOR, COME WITH US ... A woman was arrested for promoting and engaging in prostitution at her massage parlor, which was located right across the street from the Hudson County Courthouse in New Jersey. YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER! BANG! … OUCH! ... Police pulled over a car with an expired inspection sticker in Upland, Pa., and smelled the distinct odor of marijuana as they approached the vehicle. One of the men inside took off running and pulled a handgun from his waistband and accidentally shot himself in the lower body.