QUEEN LISBETH
Foy miscast in uninspired ‘Girl in the Spider’s Web’
After three Swedish “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” films based on the wildly popular novels of the late Swedish journalist Stieg Larsson with the one and only Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander, and one American remake directed by the esteemed David Fincher starring a quite good Rooney Mara, do we need another of these? No, is the short answer.
Based on a 2015 sequel not entirely written by Larsson, “The Girl in the Spider’s Web,” directed by Fede Alvarez (“Don’t Breathe”) and featuring Englishwoman Claire Foy ( “The Crown”) as bisexual Goth avenging angel Salander, faithfully recycles the high beats of the prophetic “Dragon Tattoo” series (Remember that the Swedish title of the first film and novel was “Men who hate women”).
In a back story in opening scenes, we learn that Lisbeth also had a fair-haired twin sister named, of course, Camilla (model-turned-actor Sylvia Hoeks), who at a very young age makes a “choice” to stay with their diabolical father, while Lisbeth makes what can only be called a rather ridiculous witchy James Bond exit.
As it turns out, a Swedish genius named Frans Balder (Stephen Merchant, creator of TV’s “The Office”) has invented software that can hack into nuclear launch systems all over the world. He did this while in the employ of the United States, where Special Divisions member Edwin Needham (Lakeith Stanfield, “Sorry to Bother You”) keeps watch over it. Frans seeks out hacker extraordinaire Lisbeth, who has “a history of aggravated assault” and has just left a wife beater swinging upside down, to get it back.
Someone else — the Dr. Mabuse-like head of an organization called the Spiders — also wants the software. Meanwhile, Lisbeth’s research partner and sometime lover Mikael Blomkvist (a rather bland Sverrir Gudnason in the role previously played by the late Michael Nyqvist and Daniel Craig) is back at Millennium and still having it off with his married publisher (Vicky Krieps, “Phantom Thread”).
Did I mention that there is a lot of plot in “The Girl in the Spider’s Web”? The film at times resembles an entire serialization that has been crammed into two hours. People get killed in ugly ways and chased around Stockholm and snowy/woodsy environs. Needham turns into an American sniper. Lisbeth’s high-tech “Bat Cave” goes up in flames and maybe her with it. In a lift from “Skyfall,” we learn that the Spiders’ head henchman (very tall Dane Claes Bang of “The Square”) likes carving up people’s faces. Lisbeth soars around on her version of the Batcycle (she also pilots a matte-black Lamborghini).
Good grief, Lisbeth Slander is Batgirl with a family out of a psycho version of “The Munsters.” Foy of the Gollum-like blue eyes is very good, if also miscast. But her Lisbeth has mighty big black combat boots to fill, and too much of “The Girl in the Spider’s Web” feels familiar instead of exciting, weird and as freakalicious as Swedish meatballs. At one point I wondered, how many times do I want to see Salander hit a man in the crotch with a cattle prod? Turns out there is a limit. The thickening plot further features a flamebaked lizard, a vacuumpacked latex bondage suit and a little boy who beats Lisbeth at chess and will surely grow up to be the Swedish Dr. Evil. More meatballs, please ...
(“The Girl in the Spider’s Web” contains brief nudity, extreme, graphic violence and gruesome images.)