Splitting kids not in their best interest

My ex and I have four children. We are separating and thinking about splitting the children — two go with him, two go with me. It’s just too much for us to try to raise four kids by ourselves. We have three girls, ages 15, 14 and 8, and a son age 11. We can’t agree which ones should go with which parent. Do you have some suggestions? What’s good ex-etiquette? Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 1 is “Put the children first.” Although most courts take the view that siblings should stay together, they will advocate a split if the parents request it — but they don’t take the request lightly. Splitting the kids is not regarded as in the child’s best interest. Put yourself in your kids’ shoes. It’s hard enough to deal with your parents’ breakup, let alone having to break up with your siblings, as well. You may not realize that’s what you’re proposing, but it is. The most consistent relationship after a divorce is not the relationship between parent and child, but between siblings. They may share bedrooms, maybe even beds, and walk to and from school together. Even with an equal custody split, children of divorce only see each parent half the time, but they see each other all the time as they go back and forth between homes. Of course, a breakup uproots the kids, but the change you’re proposing uproots your kids from their entire life — their home, their parents and their siblings (possibly their school and friends), leaving them nothing familiar to rely on when the rug is pulled out from under them. If you are committed to splitting up your children, what I see most is around age 13-15, a child begins to gravitate to the like-gendered parent. Girls like to be with mom and boys with dad. They feel they have more in common. The primary parent often questions the change. He or she can’t believe their little baby no longer wants to be with them and blames it on the other parent sabotaging the relationship. This could be true, but most of the time, it’s just biology. Therefore, your son and youngest daughter would go with dad, the older two girls with you — but don’t be surprised if your children feel rejected by the parent they don’t see often, particularly your youngest daughter. Sometimes things like finances dictate this sort of decision. If that’s the case, look for ways to keep the children interacting on a regular basis, like adopting a parenting plan that lets all four be with one parent and see each other on weekends. Consult a professional who knows your kids firsthand and can look clearly at the change you propose. That‘s good ex-etiquette.