Of course they’ll believe me, why wouldn’t they?

A woman who wanted to get her neighbor in trouble with the law called the police emergency number in Stockport, England, and falsely claimed that he had held a machete to her throat during a confrontation in the street. But, before she hung up the phone, she was heard bragging to her boyfriend about what she had done, saying, “This will get him nicked now.”

LIVIN’ THE DREAM

… A woman was banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, Texas, for riding around the parking lot in an electric cart while drinking wine from a Pringles can.

WHAT ARE WE UP TO, OFFICER? UH, NOTHING, WHY DO YOU ASK?

… Two men in a stolen car were arrested at a traffic stop in Guthrie, Okla. Inside the vehicle, officers found a handgun, a rattlesnake, an open bottle of Kentucky bourbon and a canister of powdered radioactive uranium.

THE MAN HAS HIS PRIORITIES

… A man with a bloodalcohol level more than twice the legal limit went roaring down U.S. 218 near Iowa City, Iowa, at more than 100 mph, running cars off the highway before sideswiping a semi and crashing into a ditch. He emerged from his vehicle holding his beer.

I CAN SEE HIM, OFFICER, CAN’T YOU!?

… A man in his underwear was taken into custody in Berea, Ky., after police found him at an animal shelter fighting someone who was not there.

WELL, THAT’S GOOD OLD BOB, FOR YA

… A man who was arrested for drunken driving in Conestoga, Pa., had earlier tried to convince his neighbors that he was from the future and had a time machine in his trailer.

WILL THAT BE FOR HERE OR TO GO?

… A man tried to shoplift a tinfoil-wrapped spaghetti dinner from the hot food section of a grocery store in Armadale, Australia, by shoving the meal down his pants. But the container started to burn his leg by the time he got to the check-out, so he reached into his pants and pulled it out as it started to fall apart all over him.

I DON’T RECALL SEEING YOU AROUND THE STATION, PAL

… A man, pretending to be a cop, flashed his white and amber lights, pulled over another vehicle on Interstate 4 in Florida, and told the driver to “slow down.” Unfortunately for him, the driver was an off-duty Lee County sheriff’s deputy.

NOW THAT’S WHAT YOU’D CALL A CITIZENS’ ARREST

… A guy was breaking into cars in a high-crime area of Milwaukee when a group of neighbors converged on him with harmful intent. After a scuffle, he wound up on the ground with his shorts around his ankles, surrounded by the neighbors who held him until the police could get there.

HAVEN’T QUITE GOT THE HANG OF THE DRIVING THING

… A man carjacked a minivan at a gas station in Aurora, Ill., at 5:25 in the morning, but crashed it minutes later. When a good Samaritan stopped to help him, he stole that guy’s car and drove off, but he rolled it soon after. At 5:37, a woman stopped to help him, so he stole her car too. Police spotted him at about 7:30, and gave chase. He crashed once again, and they arrested him.