Churches need to lighten up

Disallowing eulogies is a mistake

As he greeted old friends at Monday’s wake here in the city, Paul was able to suppress the anger festering within him, but he couldn’t ignore it sitting in a front pew at the funeral for his mother.

“This has been my family’s church for generations,” he said, still in disbelief. “I can’t tell you how many times we’ve all gathered here over the years. But it’s in times like these, when you need comfort, that the church is most important in our lives.

“That’s what has me so upset. My mother was one of God’s best works, a devout Catholic, very spiritual, who loved the church and donated all she could to it, including her time when she was younger. To me, she was like an angel.”

So he was planning to share his thoughts in a brief eulogy, as he did years earlier in that same sanctuary when his father died.

Then an aunt told him, “I don’t think they’ll let you do that anymore.”

Incredulous, he asked the funeral director if that were so and was told indeed it was. But just to be sure, the latter called the priest and Paul overheard: “No, no, no; we can’t allow that, and there are no exceptions.”

When a grieving son, hoping to comfort his family and honor his mother, is silenced by an imperious priest, is it any wonder churches are so empty these days?

“I just wanted a couple of minutes to tell everyone what a wonderful person she was,” Paul said. “She was 87 when she died. I’m 66. I’d tell her, ‘Ma, stop being a mother. You should be happy to get rid of that job; I’m a senior citizen now.’ And she’d say, ‘I’m always going to be your mother, so zip it!’

“She had so much heart. She called my buddies ‘my boys’ because she was like everyone’s mother. I’ll give you a great example. When my dad hired a group of Brazilians to paint the house she made lunch for them all, after giving them coffee all morning. She was just so special.”

That’s what Paul wanted to say.

It’s what needed to be said and what mourners needed to hear, for nothing’s more comforting at a funeral than sweet memories and gentle laughs.

It is, after all, a celebration of life.

You’d think a priest would welcome that, wouldn’t you?

“Everything went well,” Paul said later. “The only exception was the way her own church disrespected her.

“I don’t get that. I never will.”