Come away with me, but let’s not mention this to my wife

A man who had a brief affair with a woman in their native Macedonia “20 or 30 years ago” and later came to America and got married, was delighted when his old girlfriend called and told him that she was in Canada. So he went there, and in an effort to sneak her into the U.S., “borrowed” his wife’s passport to use as the girlfriend’s ID. It all fell apart at the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit where the Customs officer saw that she bore no resemblance to the man’s wife.

SO THEY WERE PRETTY MUCH READY FOR ANYTHING: A drug and gang task force executing a search warrant on a residence in Dassel, Minn., found methamphetamine, firearms and a functioning cannon inside the home.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR, OFFICER? When police in Mattoon, Ill., questioned a man who had a warrant out for his arrest, he gave them a phony name. Alas, his real name was tattooed on the front of his neck.

HOW DARE THEY QUESTION MY HONESTY! A man offered to buy an unoccupied house in Salt Lake City — which was valued at $365,000 — for about $90,000, and the lady who owns it refused to sell it to him. So he moved in anyway. Then he had the nerve to ask police for help in getting the water turned on. He complained that the city wouldn’t do it “until he could prove that he owned the property.”

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? A man who parachuted illegally from a cellphone tower in Menomonie, Wisc., wound up dangling perilously 50 feet above the ground when his chute became caught on a guy-wire. He had to call the cops on himself to get them to free him.

BUT BABE, I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL: An elderly man did not find it at all suspicious that a 27-yearold exotic dancer less than half his age — who he had met at a strip club — wanted to move in with him. Once ensconced in his Volusia County, Fla., home., she proceeded to withdraw $38,448.80 in cash from the man’s checking account and used his debit card to order another $12,951.94 worth of merchandise, which she sold for cash. She’s in jail now.

BOY, THAT GUY SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR: A man was arrested for stealing cases of beer from a convenience store in Mesa, Ariz., 17 times over a 10-day period, some days more than once.

OF COURSE THE CAR IS MINE, OFFICER, WHY DO YOU ASK? A woman who had run out of gas in Lincoln. Calif., flagged down a police officer and asked for a ride back to the car — which she had stolen. The cop obliged her, and, when they got to where it was parked, he used his computer to check the status of the vehicle, much to her chagrin.