Holidays with ex and kids OK – occasionally

I have been with a man for five years. We’re both divorced with kids and amicable ex relationships. He does every single holiday, kid’s birthday and adult birthday with his ex. Also, when his family comes to town, most events will include her. I’m fine with that. I’m always invited and strongly encouraged to attend.

Occasionally the out-of-town family guests will tell me that there is a lot of bad blood between them and the ex and they would prefer she not be included. I stay mute because I think it is up to my man and his ex to decide what’s appropriate. Problem is, I’m not able to relax knowing the people around me are uneasy and feel forced into these situations.

Is it really so bad that my man and his ex celebrate an occasional holiday with their mutual children without me? I have children of my own, so if I skip a Thanksgiving dinner with my man and his ex, it allows me to have a nice meal with my children. What’s good ex-etiquette?

The beauty of building a relationship today is that you really can do anything you want. If you and your partner are clear and express to those around you your clear goal for your relationship, most will get in line to support you.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb about celebrating the holidays with an ex: If it’s a milestone, like a child’s birthday, graduation, a Christening, Bah Mitzvah, quinceañera, centered around the kids, then of course all should attend. Do you have to celebrate every possible holiday with his ex? Not if all are not on board. Good ex-etiquette is simply a model for good behavior after a break-up.

So, if this Thanksgiving, you don’t want to spend the holiday with his ex, discuss it with your partner. If he wants to go — fine. The fact that you also have children and it will give you an opportunity to spend a holiday together is a great point. I wouldn’t make a steady diet of it, however. “Occasional” is the key word.

Make sure you’re positively motivated when making this decision. That’s good ex-etiquette.