Wife’s late spouse still ‘sends’ her valentines

My wife of three years has received a Valentine from her deceased husband every year since we have been married. I guess he set it up with a service or something before he died, but, like clockwork on, or the day before, my wife receives a Valentine’s Day card proclaiming her deceased husband’s undying love. I want it to stop! But, how? What’s good ex-etiquette?

I have no idea how to make something like this stop, or if it’s even necessary. You have to ask what exactly is it about these cards that is upsetting you? Is it that she was once close to someone else, because most people have had past relationships. I have to say, it’s a pretty romantic gesture — and a hard act to follow.

With that in mind, I hope your wife allowed enough time to pass after the loss of her first husband before you two were married. Sometimes people just want to get on with their lives and move too quickly. A little time passes, and the grief hits them between the eyes.

Then there are those who nursed a terminally ill spouse for months, even years before the passing and to the dismay of family members, meet someone new rather quickly. In these cases, they may have done much of their grieving while their spouse was still living

Even in these cases, although understandable, I caution couples in moving too quickly. There’s an ebb and flow to grief and bereavement. One must allow enough time to pass so they can comfortably be in the present in the new relationship.

Honestly, being in a relationship with someone whose spouse has passed can be a two-edged sword. On one hand, the deceased spouse may be almost deified and if you place yourself in competition with a memory, rarely will you come out on top. But the good news is that people who had a good relationship prior to a spouse’s passing are more willing to marry again and are open to being close to another companion.

Finally, unless your wife is carrying a torch and sobbing into her soup every year, you could use it as a catalyst to get even closer to her. Talk to her, find out how she truly feels about the passing and about receiving these cards. Get some couples counseling together. That’s good ex-etiquette.