This is all going into our report, ma’am
A woman was pulled over in Franklin Borough, N.J., for driving erratically with two flat tires. The lady, who was barefoot and intoxicated, exited the moving vehicle and began running away. When apprehended, she “karate kicked” two officers in the chest, and assaulted an EMT who had come to take her to the hospital.
AWWWWK! I AM SO BAKED, DUDE, AWWWWK! Opium-addicted parrots have been pillaging the poppy-seed crops of farmers in Madhya Pradesh, India, and gorging themselves ferociously on The Big O. One poppy flower contains 20 to 25 grams of opium, and a large group of the junkie birds have been feeding on them 30 to 40 times a day.
OH HONEY, THE FOOD’S HERE
… HOPE YOU’RE HUNGRY: A somewhat intoxicated man used his phone to order some chicken while driving home to his girlfriend in England, and then staggered through the house, banging into walls and passed out on his bed. His sober girlfriend soon discovered that he had accidentally ordered $226 worth of food, 15 boxes-full. She said, “I had to get the delivery guy to help me bring it all in. … I was so embarrassed.”
OK PAL, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM: An Indiana state trooper who pulled over a pickup truck for running a stop sign discovered the driver inside shouting, “Hoorah!” He got out of the
truck, kept yelling, “Hoorah!” punched the trooper, got back in his truck, and drove away. The cops found him in a bar later that night.
NICE GOING, BUT REMEMBER TO DRIVE CAREFULLY … CRASH! Ten minutes after passing his driving test, a young man took his eyes off the road to read texts from his friends congratulating him, and plunged off a bridge and into the Xiangjiang River in Zunyi, China. He kicked open the door on the passenger side, and managed to survive.
CAMERAS!? YOU MEAN THERE WERE CAMERAS!?
Thirteen teenagers in stolen cars went on a two-month crime spree at multiple gas stations in Cleveland. They drove stolen cars — at least 17 of them — to the busy stations, and then committed at least 80 thefts — purses and other valuables — from the vehicles of people who were either pumping gas or were inside the station.
Their big problem: surveillance cameras.
WELL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO
HYDRATE: A high-end burglar disabled the alarm at a jewelry store in Tampa, Fla., pried open the front door, and used a torch to cut into the vault room and the safes inside, making off with $3 million worth of gold and gems. Alas, he left a water bottle behind, and the cops used his DNA, taken after a California burglary, to identify him.
IS IT TOO LATE TO GO BACK?
Three women left a restaurant in Charleston, S.C., without paying their sizable bill. But one of them inadvertently left her ID on the table before strolling off into the night.
OH HELLO, SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? After a man was released on bail from the Alachua County, Fla., Jail, where he had been held for trying to kill his father, he tried to kill his father again. He failed.