Coronavirus unmasks parenting differences
I am a fanatic about wearing a mask when my kids go out, but their dad doesn’t really care. My kids are 14, 10 and 5. Then the kids come home and complain that they have to wear a mask at my house and it’s a fight every time. They are gravitating to dad’s house and I’m desperate to know what to do. I don’t know how to impress upon their father that he’s not being safe with the kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?
Unfortunately, you may have had this problem even if you still lived with their dad. I can’t count how many times parents have asked me to tell them who was right when they didn’t agree.
Wearing a mask is something else. There are requirements, in places like airplanes, stores or possibly school. Whether you agree or not, compromise is at the heart of any successful agreement. Therefore, when parents don’t agree I always try to guide them toward compromise — and why I made “Look for the Compromise,” Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10.
You may not see it, but fear that your kids may prefer dad’s may be at the root of you feeling desperate. Rather than get into an argument, you and dad now have a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to your children how to properly problem-solve. They know you disagree. So, use this as a teachable moment. Demonstrate firsthand how to calmly negotiate during a stressful situation. Both of you might consider taking the time to do some research and let the kids see you doing that. Then, decide together when you truly feel a mask is necessary. There will be compromise and there will be areas where you agree.
For example, both will most likely agree that wearing a mask around grandparents might be safer for the grandparents, since they are in a high-risk group and children may be asymptomatic.
But, more importantly, make sure during this process you aren’t badmouthing the other parent in front of the kids because you disagree. The virus will not be with us forever. As a result, this mask controversy will be over, but diminishing your co-parent’s opinion in front of the children will leave lasting scars. Work together in the best interest of your children. That’s good ex-etiquette. Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.