Kids upset widowed mom has someone new

My second husband was very ill the three years before he passed. I took care of him in our home.

Being in my late 60s, I did not think I’d meet someone else, but I did, six months to the day of his passing. We have been dating for five months. His wife also passed. My children, who are adults and do not live with me, take it very personally that I’m seeing someone new, saying it’s too soon.

I understand their point of view, but I’m 67 years old and grateful I have this chance. Life is so short. What’s good ex-etiquette?

With the population aging I often get questions about how to handle new relationships when a spouse has died — and there are some things that both sides must understand in order to support each other.

First, the grief you both feel is real, but different. Although your children’s father has died, your life’s companion is no longer at your side. Dad is often a child’s rock and that doesn’t necessarily change as a child gets older. However, a child chooses to move out and begin a life of their own. Your experience was the exact opposite.

Children, grandchildren and extended family are often removed from the everyday responsibilities of taking care of a terminally ill loved one, as well. They may not understand how a husband/wife relationship changes when one becomes that ill. Someone who was sharp and strong may become unable to keep themselves clean or think clearly. Intimacy is reduced or may stop all together, and the healthy partner often starts the mourning process with the diagnosis and continues to mourn throughout the illness. That’s why it’s not uncommon that people find themselves moving on quickly once their loved one has died.

But their children don’t deal with their grief in that manner. Their grieving process often starts with the passing, so to them, you are moving on months after their father died. It may seem out of character and they probably fear that your excitement about this new man will overshadow your love for their dad.

Empathy is a great healer (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7) and putting yourselves in each other’s shoes will help you approach each other with compassion. Everyone is hurting. That’s good ex-etiquette.