Resist the urge to bad-mouth your ex

It’s generally known that divorce damages children. I spent months researching when it became obvious my wife was having an affair and was going to dissolve our family.

I pleaded with her to stay until at least our boys were off to college (four years away). She decided against it, left, and now our boys are hurt, angry and confused. I’ve gone to great lengths to try to protect my wife from their angst, but I cannot control their feelings.

She blames me for their occasional harsh words toward her, has accused me of “poisoning” them against her, and has shared that with her family. Now I’m hated for something I haven’t done.

I refuse to speak poorly to the boys no matter what she’s done. What is good ex-etiquette?

As much as we want to protect our children from all the bad things, there are times it’s simply out of our control.

If, indeed, your ex-wife left for someone else in full sight of your children, she knowingly made that choice. Your kids have seen it, and if they lash out, her blaming it on your behavior sounds predictable.

She doesn’t want to accept responsibility and therefore shifts the blame to you — and, because her family loves her, they line up right next to her — and there you are wondering how people you regarded as family could support such betrayal. Understandably, it’s hurtful. A perfect example of “blood is thicker than water.”

It’s really not your job to protect your wife from your children’s angst. It’s your job to protect your children and reinforce that they are loved by both parents. You don’t have to make excuses for their mom. She can communicate directly with the children — just do your best not to further undermine her now.

Here’s why: Your kids are looking for stability and someone they can trust. If you start badmouthing their mother — or even agreeing with them when they say derogatory things, it will further undermine their security. The way kids in this position have explained it to me, it’s not that she left Dad, but that she left at all. A kid’s logic tells them that the parent who left loved someone else more than they loved them.

So, your job is to be there so your kids know they can trust you to stay with them, protect them. Put your kids first. That’s good ex-etiquette.