Yes Virginia, some mall Santas are progressive activists
An Illinois mall Santa was fired earlier this week after making a little boy cry for asking for a Nerf gun for Christmas.
Enter the Woke Santa, coming soon to a progressive suburban mall near you.
Scene: A harried mother rushes from store to store with her children, spots Santa and seeks a few moments of reprieve.
MOM: Uh … is this the line to see Santa Claus?
SANTA’S ELF HELPER: Yes, it is! And who is going to be visiting with Santa today?
MOM: My 7-year-old son, Billy. He just wants to say hi and tell Santa what he wants for Christmas.
ELF: Oooh! So sorry, but we really don’t use the “istmas-cray” word. It upsets Santa. Santa’s a “Happy Holidays” person.
MOM: Wait, you have a Santa who doesn’t says the word “Christma—”
ELF: PLEASE! Keep your voice down. That word is a form of divisive religious bigotry that’s been banned from Santa’s Collective.
MOM: You mean “Santa’s Workshop”?
ELF: Not since the Reindeer
Strike of ’06. Now, look. We want Billy to have a nice time, Santa is extremely friendly, open and tolerant, and Mom, you look like you could use a few minutes of relaxation and some vegan eggnog — don’t ask. Anyway, let’s get Billy in line and we’ll get a great picture and make a wonderful holiday memory.
Now Billy, when Santa asks what you want for him to bring you on Winter Holiday Night, what will you say?
BILLY: I want a Nerf gun and a monster truck! (pause)
ELF: Did you people just crawl in from a Trump rally? A gun? You can’t ask our Santa for a gun. Why not just ask for a MAGA hat? Or a “proud deplorable” sweatshirt?
BILLY: (begins crying) MOM: What is wrong with you?! This is supposed to be a happy occasion and you’re making my son cry!
ELF: Look, lady, I’m not the one raising my kids to think it’s OK to play with guns. And what about that gasguzzling monster truck he wants — doesn’t your home-school curriculum cover climate change?
MOM: You know, for people who keep saying you’re “tolerant,” you don’t sound very tolerant at all. Who agrees to play Santa, then is so obsessed with politics, they judge little kids for wanting a Nerf gun?
Why can’t my kids have Christmas — yes I said it — Christmas? Why can’t they just want what they want and play with what they play with? And who the hell is Santa to judge how parents like me raise our children? If I want my kids to have a Red Ryder BB gun in the closet and a stack of Guns & Ammo magazines in their backpacks, who gave you the right to be mean to my children over it?
Tell Santa he can have the damn North Pole.
ELF: Wait, wait — you know what? Maybe you’re right. Let me talk to Santa. He’s still so giddy Trump lost, he may want to fire off a few celebratory rounds himself. Now, how about your daughter — what does she want for Christmas?
DAUGHTER: I want a Barbie doll in a big, pink dress!
ELF: Yeah, about that …