Done with mom, but what about the kids?

I was married for five years and had a son. We divorced a year ago, but started dating — again. She ended up pregnant — again. I asked for a DNA test prior to paying child support. They tested both kids and neither is mine.

I’m done with their mother and no longer want anything to do with either of these children, but I’m feeling a little guilty, because I’m the only father my oldest has ever known. What’s good ex-etiquette?

If you’re looking for me to say since the kids aren’t biologically yours, you’re off the hook, not only will I not say it, but legally, I can’t. Check to make sure because laws differ from state to state, but my understanding is if you are married when a child is born, that child is legally yours.

That covers the legality of your question. Now, let’s address good ex-etiquette.

Don’t let your anger over their mother color the love you have for two human beings who look to you for love and support. You even said it yourself, “I’m the only father my oldest has ever known.” You didn’t say, “the oldest,” you said, “my oldest.” This says you think of this child as yours, so why would you bail on him just because his mother is a cheater?

I do understand that staying in his life will mean you will have to interact with his mother, and you may have to pay child support, but you will also be there to help mold a young man, teach him right from wrong and be the role model he will need.

Notice I’m not talking about the youngest one. I don’t know if his father will be in the picture. It sounds like this is early in the process so you may not be financially responsible. However, even if you don’t have to help support him financially, be aware he will look to his brother’s father as a role model. You will impact his life whether you want to or not.

From an ex-etiquette view, no matter what your ex has done, “good behavior after divorce or separation” means put the children first and don’t bad-mouth their mother. She must live with herself and what she tried to pull.

If you do decide to stay in the child/children’s life, you may want to look into parallel parenting where you make decisions on your own and don’t interact with the child’s other parent. I’m not a fan of this approach, but it is better than constant arguing. Do your best to “lead with love.” That’s good ex-etiquette.