Son’s response to depressed mother was a call for help
My children’s mother always struggled with depression, but I never saw her as bad as she was at the height of the pandemic. She could not get out of bed. We share our 15-year-old son equally and it got to the point that he refused to go back to his mother’s home. I think his refusal made her worse, but he said he didn’t know how to take care of her, and it was just too much for him. Now that things have opened up and his mother is feeling better, he still refuses to return. Should I make him? What’s good ex-etiquette?
Thank you for your question. The pandemic affected us all, but particularly those of us who struggle with depression. Should you make your son return? I’m not sure. I need some more information specific to your case. But I can offer you some general advice from the information you have included in your email.
When working with kids whose parents have a mental health diagnosis, there is a common thread of uncertainty. If a parent remains untreated, the child is in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope your son is not avoiding his mother completely. If he is, that’s a huge red flag about his own mental state. He needs a professional to walk him through this — and so does his mother.
Depression is not something to sweep under the rug. Those who are depressed often can’t see their way out of it. Sometimes people improve on their own as the situation changes. However, if mom couldn’t get out of bed, she was right in the middle of a severe depression and needed help. And a 15-yearold child does not have the emotional wherewithal to be responsible for his mother’s well-being under those circumstances. When he was telling you he didn’t know how to take care of her, he was asking for help.
As a child custody mediator for the court system, I was always impressed when a coparent would step up to help temporarily, offering the children a safe and secure place when a parent was ill or financially strapped.
The bottom line here is, if your son is refusing to see his mother, take that as mayday call for help. He needs the support of a professional to educate him and ease his fears. Do your best to facilitate mother/son time. That’s co-parenting at its finest — and good ex-etiquette.