New inductee to the State House Alcohol of Fame
As you take the dog on his morning walk, have you ever noticed how many empty nip bottles are ending up in gutters, on sidewalks, in parks — every damn place except trash cans?
Sometimes you wonder, do any of the drunkards guzzling these nips as they swerve up and down the highways ever decide to not toss them out of their cars?
Now we know the answer. There is at least one concerned citizen who throws his empty nips into the back seat before he reaches for his chaser — a chilled can of House Wine.
I refer of course to Rep. David LeBoeuf, D-Worcester, who ingested a bad ice cube Tuesday night and is now the newest inductee into the State House Alcohol of Fame.
How drunk was the dipso Demo? LeBoeuf was so wasted that he agreed to take a Breathalyzer, and according to the State Police blew a 0.329 and then a 0.317.
The bad news is, that’s four times the legal limit. The good news is, he was not charged with impersonating a member of the Kennedy family.
The lawmaker was pulled over on the Burgin Parkway in Quincy. Smoke was coming from under the hood, and the right front tire was gone.
From the superbly written incident report by Troopers Pittman and Johnson:
“When LEBOEUF was seated, I asked him where he was coming from and he stated that he was coming from Massachusetts.” Technically, true.
“I asked LEBOEUF what his name was and he responded with slow, slurred speech that was almost discernible. After several attempts he was able to convey (his name) … I asked LEBOEUF if he knew where he was and he stated that he was in Newton.”
Newton, Quincy, what’s the difference? By the way, since he also couldn’t seem to recall his name, I guess he wouldn’t have been pulling rank if he’d asked the cops: “Do you know who I am?”
On his website, LeBoeuf makes this promise to his constituents:
“I will continue standing up for this district.”
On Tuesday night, though, he couldn’t stand up, period. After they extracted the statesman from his wrecked vehicle, the troopers began the Standardized Field Sobriety tests, also known as the Sidewalk Olympics.
“LEBOEUF was observed to sway significantly (over 4 inches side to side) and needed to be physically prevented from falling over on several occasions.”
So the troopers poured the extinguished solon into the back of the cruiser and drove him to the lock-up in South Boston.
“He continued to be extremely unsteady on his feet. Multiple Troopers needed to assist him … as he swayed forward, backward and side to side.”
In the back of his SUV the cops found nine empty nip bottles of Dr. McGillicuddy’s flavored liqueur, in addition to the two cans of House Wine, one of which was still “frosty,” as the MSP put it.
It could have been worse. A few years back, one of his fellow Democrats, Sen. Michael Brady, was asked by Weymouth Police to recite the alphabet — always a tough assignment for most Massachusetts legislators, even when sober.
Like LeBoeuf, Brady had been on Interstate 93. It’s kind of a Bermuda Triangle for these crapulous Democrat payroll patriots. This is a goateed snowflake who likes to rail about “domestic terrorists,” and then he goes out and drives absolutely shattered. Do as they say, or slur … .
Thursday morning, I left a message at the State House asking LaBoeuf: What’s you favorite flavor of McGillicuddy’s? I mean, most tosspots seem to prefer the traditional menthol mint, but you have close to 10 different flavors to choose from now.
Strangely, the solon did not respond to my inquiries. However, I am now reliably informed that LaBoeuf likes to mix ‘n’ match his nips, but he’s a big fan of Dr. McGillicuddy’s Intense Wild Grape.
In the House chambers, LeBoeuf sits in Division 2. In the big house — the MSP barracks in South Boston — he was assigned Cell #2. How appropriate.
Again, there are silver linings here. The House leadership continues to allow “remote” voting. So even though his driver’s license may be gone, he can still vote from his home — which is a third-floor apartment, by the way.
In fact, for a guy who graduated from Harvard — as a transfer student, which seems odd — he’s a total loser, although perhaps that goes without saying. He lists his pre-hack background as “advocate,” “adviser” and “community leader” — in other words, he’s never had a real job.
I wish he’d called me back, because I had so many questions. Since he told the cops he’d had nothing to drink, not even the traditional “couple of beers,” I guess he wouldn’t mind the State Police releasing the body-cam videos of his arrest, right?
I also wanted to ask him about his rather shabby sport coat in the mugshot — it appears to be the same one he was wearing for his social media photo with his political idol, the fake Indian.
I understand that the price of Dr. McGillicuddy’s nips is going up like everything else in Brandon’s America. But on your $70,537 annual base pay, can’t you afford to buy a new coat?
But the most important question I wanted to ask the solon was the one that everyone who has ever taken a stroll in Massachusetts has been wondering about.
Reprobate rep, why aren’t you guzzling Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey nips, like every other drunk Democrat who drives through my neighborhood?