Assault victim still struggles with emotional fallout

DEAR ABBY >> Many years ago, I was the victim of a violent assault that my then-11-year-old daughter witnessed. It traumatized both of us, but me, the worst. I started drinking and smoking pot, and quit going to church. My whole personality changed. I dumped every moment with my children I could onto my husband so I could go out with my “friends” to clubs, bars or parties. I had affairs with many people, including women. My husband knew about all of it, and despite the pain I put him through, he stayed with me.

Years later, I have managed to slowly heal from that assault. I have found true joy in my children and being a mom again. I don’t party, drink or smoke anymore. But I’m no longer sexually attracted to my husband. I love him very much, but the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out.It has been like this for a year. But I do love holding hands with him and cuddling with him.

I feel bad because I know he has needs, but I just can’t bring myself to get physical with him. I’ve actually thought that leaving him might be necessary because he has never fully healed from what I’ve done. Abby, what do I do?

— Putting the Pieces

Back Together

DEAR PUTTING >> Please accept my sympathy for what happened to you. I am struck that nowhere in your letter did you mention receiving counseling. If you didn’t, please seek a referral to a licensed mental health professional now so you can understand the connection between what you experienced in your assault and your lack of feelings for your husband. You owe it to both of you.

Go online and search on “services for victims of crime” in your state. Alternatively, your physician or health insurance provider can give you a referral. Explain to your husband that the problem isn’t him — it’s you — and you will be getting help for it. Please don’t wait to reach out because help is available.