Talk to mom about daughter’s calls

Q. My daughter is 13. Her mother and I have not been together for years. I am supposed to see her every other weekend, plus other times that can be arranged. I have always wanted my daughter to visit because she wanted to. I didn’t want to make her. When she calls and tells me she has something else she wants to do, I always say, “That’s fine.” But, recently, she has been saying that more and more, and it’s been two months since we have done anything. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Ah, The Cool Dad syndrome. Divorced parents seem to be so afraid to “make” their kids do something. If they hear the dreaded “I don’t have to do that at mom’s (or dad) house,” all reason stops. Instead of calling mom up and chatting about the reported difference, the parent backs off. “Oh no, what if she prefers their home? She won’t want to come back!” And so it’s not uncommon for parents stop “making” their kids do their chores, pick up their room, observe curfew or see the importance of going to their other parent’s home.

Instead of backing off, a conversation with the other parent when the kids aren’t around is what is necessary. Most of all, support the child’s time with each of you.

Kids need direction and boundaries. That’s why co-parenting after a breakup is so important. True co-parents exchange information, not because they want to know what goes on at the other house, but because their children live in two homes. What goes on at the other house impacts their kids.

More often than not, the “I don’t want to go” is a test. I can’t tell you how many teenagers, when I have asked them why they are not seeing their other parent, tell me, “He (or she) doesn’t care if I don’t go.” But they do. They just want to be “cool.”

Remember, this is your child’s time with you, the time you can build your relationship and get close. Show them they can depend on you.