When child keeps a secret from the other parent

Q. I have been divorced for six years. My son is 14. When he wants to tell me something important, he starts the sentence with, “Mom, don’t tell Dad, but…” I promise him I won’t say a thing, but I feel very guilty not letting his dad in on some of the conversations. Since my son says he prefers to be with me, the last thing I want to do is betray his trust. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, it’s “our” son, not “my” son, and if you adopt that mindset, you may not be as torn as you appear to be. It’s not your son and you against dad. It’s dad and you for your son. If your son is asking you to keep something from dad, he’s probably afraid of dad’s reaction.

Or — and this is something parents hate to hear — asking one parent to not tell the other is a subtle way to divide and conquer. If you don’t compare notes, your son is ruling the roost. He can say “Dad said this,” “Mom said that,” and no one is checking to see if it’s true.

That, and “Don’t tell Dad (or Mom),” is also standard behavior, even in biological families who live together. I know I figured out quickly that when I asked my dad if I could do something, he would ask, “What did your mother say?”

Second, secretly believing your son likes you best is a trap you have set for yourself. Believing those kinds of things, even if it is true, can make you a less effective parent, not willing to discipline when you should because your most liked status could change. Here, again, you have a not-so-subtle mom against dad philosophy going on. You may not acknowledge it, but it’s there.

As far as the language to use, try something like, “Since you will be with your dad (or mom), let’s start with asking their permission. Don’t worry, we will discuss it and let you know our decision. If you would like me to be with you when you ask, let me know, but this is something your dad (or mom) should be in on.”