To end a war, ask questions

Q . My ex is such a liar! He makes up stuff and tells me it happened his way, when I know it didn’t. My friend told me that was “gaslighting” and that was a trait of being a narcissist. What can I do if ex is a narcissist? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A . First of all, let’s take a look at what gaslighting is and whether you are truly a victim of it. Gaslighting, from a practical sense, is knowledge that something you are saying is untrue by distorting reality and forcing the other person to question their own judgment and/or intuition. The key to this definition is “the knowledge that something you are saying is untrue.”

This is an important distinction. When mediating divorcing couples, most don’t see eye to eye, but that doesn’t mean they are lying, nor does it mean they are gaslighting. It could simply mean they have a different perception of what happened.

I often try explaining what happens when two people witness an accident. If you are standing on the north corner of an intersection and see an accident, you don’t see exactly the same thing as if you are standing on the west corner. Police question the testimony of eyewitnesses for this very reason.

Most just want to be heard during a disagreement. “Can you at least see my point of view?” is a question that is often asked when a disagreement is at a standstill. They aren’t asking you to agree or disagree. They are asking for your understanding about how they might feel.

If you say, “Sure, but I don’t agree,” that will contribute to a resolution because you are at least acknowledging that you heard them. If you say, “No, because you are lying! It didn’t happen like that,” you are discounting their point of view. They will feel disrespected and will see no reason to try to find a solution.

So is your ex a liar? Is he gaslighting you? He might be, but don’t be so quick to diagnose. If you want to end the war, ask questions. Listen, and you may both be right. That’s good ex-etiquette.