Keep co-parent in the loop about new partner

Q. My ex and I broke up three years ago. I have been dating when the kids are with their father, never mentioning anyone because I’ve never been serious until now. I would like to date someone exclusively. Actually, more than exclusively. We are planning a life together. My kids are young, 8 and 9, and know him as a friend. He has been at our home for dinner quite a few times over the last six months, but my co-parent has no idea. I’m trying to get the timing right. Who do I tell first that we are a couple? The kids or their dad? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I’m sticking my neck out here, but if he’s has been to your home for dinner “quite a few times” over the last six months, I venture to think both your kids and their dad already know he’s someone special.

If your kids have kept it a secret that he’s been to dinner, then your kids are the only ones I have met who don’t pass on information to their other home.

So that means daddy probably already knows you have “a friend.” He probably doesn’t know how to approach the subject with you.

To answer your specific question, in a perfect world, you tell your co-parent about the same time as you tell the kids. That way, when the kids tell their dad that you have has a boyfriend, he can support you with, “I know, kids, she told me.”

The goal is to present a united front and let the kids know their parents don’t keep secrets from each other. They discuss the things that are important, especially when it pertains to their children.

When the kids know this, they will be less inclined to tell their parents two different stories as they get older, expecting to get away with something. Head off a potential nightmare by cultivating an open co-parenting relationship now.

Keep your co-parent in the loop. The next step will be to introduce your new partner to your children’s father so he can feel comfortable about your partner interacting with the children. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com./Tribune News Service