Bill of Fair

MY GUEST WANTS TO TAKE ME TO DINNER, I WANT TO COOK. WHO GETS TO DECIDE?

I love to cook and have been told I am good at it. My sister-in-law is coming for a visit, and for two of the three days we’ll be meeting other relatives at restaurants halfway between them and us. I would very much like to cook a meal on the third day. I asked what her favorite meal is, and she said, “Let me take you out.” I want to cook. Who gets to decide, the host or the guest? I want to be polite, but I really do not want to eat out three days in a row.

Anonymous / Rutland, Vermont

This isn’t a question about who outranks whom, but about what will make the most pleasant time for you and your guest. Your sister-in-law isn’t trying to strong-arm you into anything; she just wants to do something nice for you in return for your hospitality and she’d rather do something you’d enjoy and appreciate. There’s nothing wrong with telling her you’re trying to avoid too much rich food for health reasons (the most clearcut, body-positive, non-oversharing, impossible-to-argue-with phrasing possible for that sentiment). Or that you get exhausted from going out and need to recharge at home for a night, which everyone thinks is just them but is actually everyone these days.

Which could still be taking you out to eat! Going to a restaurant doesn’t have to mean eating in one. You’re only meeting your other relatives in restaurants for convenience’s sake, not because there’s anything special about the venues. You don’t have to order an entrée. You could eat your main meal at home earlier and just get a token side salad or cup of soup for the first two outings, and then indulge in a full, fancy dinner with your sister-in-law on day three.

Alternatively, if you’re set on eating at home, you can cook, and she can buy ingredients and accompanying wine and be your sous chef. Give your sister-inlaw some menu options to choose from. Asking for a favorite meal puts a person on the spot.

You sound a little defensive about your cooking, as if it had been rejected. I guarantee you that her counteroffer is not an insult — “I’ll make dinner”/”No, let me take you out” is a standard move in the host-and-guest dance. But even the best chefs don’t please everyone. If you think there’s a chance she really doesn’t like your kitchen creations, and neither of you exactly wants to have that conversation, you could also do a mixed takeout-and-home-cooking night. She can order a few dishes, you can make a few more, everyone mixes and matches. There’s no rule saying it has to be all one or the other.

You know what will work best for your particular family, and how to phrase things. (I’m curious, though, since this is your sister-in-law, is there a spouse or sibling who ought to be pulling some practical or social weight during this visit? Just asking.)