In Real Life

APPS ASIDE, HOW DO I MEET MEN WHO ARE SERIOUS ABOUT DATING?

Q. How do I meet men my age who are actually single without using dating apps? I’ve been on and off of them for three years now and have had very little success. I’m so tired of the usual routine on them.

All the men I meet in real life — the ones I’m attracted to — end up being married. I’m looking for advice on how to meet men in their 40s and 50s — men who are interested in having a relationship, not just a hookup. – Looking

A. I googled “singles events for people in their 40s and 50s” and most of what came up was... hiking. At least around Boston.

Not everyone likes hiking (I don’t!), and many people can’t engage in that kind of activity, but if you’re open to it, I do think walk-and-talks are a nice way to get to know others. Replace “hike” with “tour” and you might find an easier journey where people travel a path, as opposed to an incline.

Consider finding a group that’s for people in their 30s and 40s. Dating people in their 50s would be nice too, but it amazes me how many people say, “I’m a young 49.” I always want to respond, “Maybe 49 is young.” Still, those people might gravitate to a thirty- and fortysomething event, seeking those they see as peers. Don’t exclude yourself from your own demographic, even if it skews younger.

You can also organize your own singles opportunity, maybe with a friend. Have an event where people are asked to bring a single guest. Charge a small cover to pay for drinks, food, and a contribution to an organization you care about. People like to help with a cause, and sometimes they need a reason to go out and mingle. Plan something that feels meaningful, and they might rally to join.

Maybe they’ve been looking for help with this dating problem too. – Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Don’t give up on apps, but use them minimally, around 30 minutes a day. Treat it like looking for a job — no fun, but daily action builds momentum. Get a friend to help you build your profile and get a good photo. Be honest on the apps too; if you’re looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage, say that! Plenty of men want this too (this is how I met my husband).

KATEBENET

Meredith, I’d have gone to a party like you described (I like parties of any kind), but when I was single I didn’t know any single guests to bring! Maybe if people could bring more than one guest to make up for the people that didn’t bring anyone? EACB

Sporting events. Go with a friend to an NFL, NBA, or NHL game. Go early, and hang at one of the bars or tailgate. Go to a local bar on trivia night or when a sporting event is on TV. Better with a friend. Find ways to learn early on what someone’s status is (in a subtle way) so you’re not wasting time with the married guys.

FREEADVICEFORYOU

I’m in your shoes. Apps are the way these days. Maybe you should try different ones that are more geared to the midlife crowd? . . . But also: Get out and enjoy life! Stay active in a health club, go to local events, volunteer, travel . . . be interesting. The right people will gravitate to you. PENSEUSE

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.