Circling Back

CAN I STAY FRIENDS WITH AN ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN EX?

Q.

Should I be friends with my ex? We broke up amicably a few weeks ago. He wants to keep in touch, but I don’t text him much because he’s already in a new relationship. We’ve broken up before, and we always stay friends after it happens. This time, it’s final on my part. I don’t want to get back together anymore because I’ve already met someone new as well. The new relationship is casual for now — we really just met — but I think we will be good for each other. The friendship thing with my ex always leads back to dating again. I don’t want to let that happen this time. When I start to date my ex again, it always ends when he meets another woman. I don’t want to keep being dumped. My new guy is very much what I’m looking for. Never been wowed by a man until he came along. Thinking I’m going to take a risk and see how it pans out for me. I’m not talking to my ex currently, but I probably will in a few months. By that time I could be in a relationship that is healthy, with a good man. But does that mean there’s no place for a friendship? – Friends Again?

A.

For now, no friendship. In a few months, regardless of your dating status . . . no friendship. Not yet. Give yourself time to separate from him in all ways. You probably need many, many months on your own before it feels like a new normal. This man, who’s been on-and-off-again over and over, shouldn’t be part of the routine at all. Eventually, when he’s more of an afterthought, you might be able to build something new with him. Friendship doesn’t have to mean hanging out, confiding in each other, and doing the things you did when you were a couple. Some of the best relationships with exes are text-based, reaching out when you remember an old TV episode you watched together, or asking a question like, “Remember when I tried to grow bangs? LOL.” It’s not all or nothing. You can honor what you experienced together without bringing it into the present. You have a new kind of life. Don’t clutter it by planning a friendship that’s meant for later. Just live, fully broken up (finally!), and enjoy yourself.

— Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Some people can be friends with their exes. You and this guy shouldn’t be friends. There’s no reason to maintain the friendship other than familiarity and keeping the door open to more sex when you both torpedo your current relationships.

SURFERROSA

Should you be friends? Absolutely not. Not now, not ever. Do not expect any future boyfriend to accept that you are maintaining a relationship with a guy you keep getting back together with. Be realistic. You wouldn’t want your boyfriend to do that.

SEENITTOO

The most important, healthy thing to do for your own well-being and future happiness is to understand that your relationship with your ex was a toxic pattern in your life.

EACB

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.