GOP’s pitch to women
Greetings, lady persons!
We here at the GOP would like to remind all women, but especially the suburban white ones who swing elections, that we have the utmost respect for you and your adorable little brains!
We understand some of you may be doubting us, what with various states introducing abortion restrictions so extreme that even the most rabid Christian nationalists dared not pray aloud for them.
It’s possible, too, that our Dear Leader’s upcoming trial for illegally paying hush money to a porn star he calls “horseface” — to hide a sexual encounter they had when his third wife was at home with his newborn son — has you feeling a bit wobbly about our feminist bona fides.
Fear not, women of America! We Republicans worship your votes!
Our once and future president thinks the world of you all, even those of you who are too unattractive to rape. Or be president. He feels love for women. Or loves the feel of them in his hands.
He wouldn’t bother coming up with those special nicknames if he didn’t care: Birdbrain Nikki Haley; Crazy Nancy Pelosi; also-Crazy Liz Cheney; the Nasty Women, including Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. Come on, can’t you take a joke? You should smile more!
We all care so very much about you, unless we have to choose between your life and that of your fetus, in which case you are dead to us. Just kidding! Unless you live in Tennessee, Idaho, North Dakota, and a bunch of other states, in which case we’re for realsies.
After decades of work to overturn abortion rights, we GOP dogs finally caught the car. Boy, did we celebrate when our hand-picked Supreme Court justices overturned Roe v. Wade in 2022, clearing the way for our favorite states to enact draconian abortion restrictions and lay the groundwork for a national ban.
Our once and future king has taken so many well-deserved victory laps on that one. “For 54 years they were trying to get Roe v. Wade terminated, and I did it and I’m proud to have done it,” he said recently.
Bravo! But now that car has been backing up over us, again and again. You’re mad at us, even in states we should own. You keep voting for people who believe you have a right to decide what happens to your bodies. That decision effectively shutting down IVF in Alabama really freaked you out. And now here comes Florida, headed for a six-week abortion ban. And Arizona where, citing an 1864 law, Republican judges declared abortion illegal from the moment of conception.
Yes, this is what we said we wanted all along. Our mantra has been “leave it to the states,” even though everybody knows we want to end abortion everywhere. Any other year we’d be thrilled to see these crackdowns on bodily autonomy, but heck, this is an election year. As our Orange Oracle said on Monday, “You must follow your heart on this issue but remember, you must also win elections to restore our culture and, in fact, to save our country.”
Exactly. We have to win first. So for the moment, it’s ixnay on the ationalnay anbay. Some of us are saying we think Arizona and Alabama went too far, acting like we’re not who we said we were all these years. We’re betting you’re too thick to see through the cynical strategy.
You should take us at our word on this because LOOK OUT, IT’S MIGRANT CRIME! Do you see these terrifying hordes of Black and brown people from very not nice countries streaming over the southern border to vote for Democrats and attack vulnerable women just like you? Only we can stop these invading rapists, though if the unthinkable happens, we’d like to force you to carry the resulting pregnancy to term.
How can you even think about abortion rights when you are in such danger? And isn’t it kind of selfish of you to be so stuck on choosing what happens to your bodies when your children are being terrorized by the woke agenda, drag queens, trans athletes, and all the rest?
Just help us win, precious ladies, and we promise to look after you — in our own very special way.