Saying I Don’t

WE CAN’T STAY TOGETHER IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Q.I’m writing to you days into the heartbreak of my life. My boyfriend and I have been happily together for three years.

We are such a perfect fit in every single way but one . . . which finally came to a head this week.

He isn’t sure he will ever be ready to have children or get married, two things I consider deal breakers. We’ve had light versions of this conversation ever since we started dating. We were madly in love within weeks of meeting each other. We always pushed off the inevitable, thinking that maybe he’d figure out what he wanted. Now he wants to give me a chance to find someone who wants the same.

It’s impossibly hard knowing that we both have doubts, and still love each other. How can I cope with this heartbreak? What if I find out someday that he ended up committing to someone and having kids? I’m terrified to date again. I can’t comprehend how I could love anyone as much as I love him.

— Right person, wrong time?

A.Right person, wrong time? More like right person — for one era of your life. Now you’re ready for something else.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this heartbreak. I wish I could wrap you in a blanket and give you a cure for all of this, but I can’t. You’ll have to set up a new living situation, grieve the end of the relationship, and, eventually, start looking for someone new. It will be a lot of work — and some of it will be painful.

But, you can do this. You have support. I can tell from your letter that despite being terrified, you can take action. Ask the people around you for help, even if it’s just sitting with you while you organize your home. Plan fun things with them.

Please know that it can be freeing and fun to be single after a breakup, even if you’re leaving a wonderful relationship. You’re going to have new experiences—and you’ll learn so much about yourself.

I want you to know that yes, your now-partner might meet someone down the road and have kids with them. Maybe. But you can’t stay with him just in case. Even if he changes his mind, you’ll have spent years stressing out with your fingers crossed. That will chip away at what you share. Also, raising children is difficult! You want to be with someone who feels accountable for that decision. It shouldn’t be about him rallying, reluctantly.

If he changes his mind years from now, it will be because he’s evolved into a different version of himself. You might not be into that guy.

It’s possible you’ll be so much happier with someone new. Get through the next few months, and start the process of figuring it all out.

If you need to write in again for midbreakup pep talks, I am here.

— Meredith

READERS RESPOND

I was in the same relationship. It was a heartbreaking breakup, but eventually she met a great guy and had two daughters and has a great life. JSMUS

Consider this: You are both doing the compassionate, loving thing by letting each other go.

PENSUSE

Find the new season of the Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show.