A too tight shirt
It’s been one month, one whole month, since my sheltering in place started, and dang it, my favorite T-shirt, the black John Lennon one with the words “You might think I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one” on it is a wee bit too snug.
It’s an extra small, but no matter. It fit me last spring just fine. Of course, I was flitting all over the place and not eating much. That was fine with me. I liked being skinny.
Oh, my kids kept on telling me I needed to gain weight. They told me I was looking emaciated. Really? I weighed around 110 or 112. When I was in my 20s, I weighed 100 pounds. Back then, my mom and dad said I needed to gain some weight. Bill never said a word. He liked me skinny.
Something happened in my late 40s early 50s and I couldn’t eat anything I wanted without gaining weight. That was disconcerting. I became this pudgy, short person who couldn’t get up easily anymore and couldn’t find jeans to fit me. I have always been a jeans and T-shirt person. Suddenly I was wearing sweat pants and big shirts, like extra large! All of a sudden I wasn’t this little bitty person anymore. I was a middle-aged woman with brassy blond hair and thighs that clung together with no space. I always had skinny thighs with a space.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. I think people need to embrace who they are. If you’re fine with your weight, so be it. I was not fine with my weight, so I did something about it. I auditioned for Daisy in “Driving Miss Daisy” in the early 2000s and got the part. I did not see Daisy Werthan as a pudgy little woman. I pictured Jessica Tandy who portrayed her on screen, so I got up at 5 every morning and did body crunches, sit ups, leg lifts, ran in place, lifted weights; then after that, I danced. Back then I danced to Jon Bon Jovi, Michael Jackson, Donna Summer, or anything with a driving beat.
I did all this for an hour or so every single morning before I went to work. I’d eat a little breakfast, take a shower and head out.
The weight started coming off. I lost 35 pounds and never really gained much back, although I did when my father was dying. I helped care for him and didn’t care much about anything I ate. I may have eaten two Little Debbie Oatmeal cakes for breakfast, a Snickers for lunch and some kind of decent food for dinner. That was a difficult time. I didn’t exercise or dance. I existed for him and for Mom.
After he passed, I got back into my routine again and gave up Little Debbies ... mostly. I went back to doing plays and when I think back on it, I was in quite a few and they were fun. One was “Second Samuel” and I sang a solo. It was one I had heard my grandmother sing, “Farther Along,” an old gospel tune. I wasn’t sure if my voice was strong enough, but my kids encouraged me and I went to my friends, Mary Nell and John Podgorny, to get their opinion. They liked it ... a lot. The director did not encourage me, but when I tried it in front of her, the whole cast clapped. It just thrilled me. I hadn’t sung a solo in years. My only regret is that my dad didn’t hear me ... or maybe he did.
Mom came to live with us in 2013 and it made my life so much easier. I retired in July of that year. We had five wonderful years together before dementia began to take over. It was very difficult and I once again got back into the habit of eating whenever and whatever. Once Mom went into Morning Pointe, I could see the writing on the wall. She had just turned 95 and she was living mostly in another time ... when she was young. She had forgotten my dad, the love of her life for 67 years.
I ate badly again. Mike and Ike candies became my main diet, along with fast food. I had health issues myself from all the stress and didn’t sleep well for a really long time. The health issues have now been resolved, but I must admit that I was really thin for a time. I generally don’t eat when I’m stressed. I just eat to survive.
This pandemic and how it has been handled has been stressful, but I know I’m not alone. I know I must dance again. I still do my treadmill. I just gotta stop making chocolate chip cookies!