Get specific if you suspect your kids are being bullied at school
As school is in full swing, I thought it might be appropriate to talk about bullying. Although this article will focus primarily on youth bullying, most of us are well aware that bullying can occur at any age, stage, culture and socioeconomic level. As a matter of fact, we might each be able to remember a time when we saw bullying occurring in the community or at work, or perhaps we have been on the receiving end of a bully’s wrath. Sometimes this wrath is overt, and sometimes it can be quite subtle.
Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time. When we speak about imbalance of power, this can include physical strength or information that may embarrass an individual or affect their reputation. This real or perceived power is used to control or harm others.
Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things, teasing, name-calling, taunting, threaten- ing to harm another, or inappropriate sexual comments.
Physical bullying involves harming a person’s body or something that they own. This includes hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing, breaking someone’s things, etc.
Social bullying involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. This can include spreading rumors, embarrassing someone in public, telling others not to be friends with someone, or leaving someone out.
Other types of behavior can include teen dating violence, hazing, gang violence, harassment, stalking, and workplace bullying.
For youth, bullying can happen at school, on the playground, in the neighborhood, in after- school activities or on the internet.
According to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, less than half of youth reported being bullied. For parents/caregivers, there are signs that a child is being bullied: injuries that the child cannot/won’t explain possibly due to fear; lost or destroyed school or personal items; physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, or other illnesses that may allow them to skip school and stay home; worsening grades, not completing school work; difficulty sleeping; decreased interest in going to school; avoiding friends; feelings of helplessness or decreased self- esteem; self-destructive behavior; harming themselves; or talking about not wanting to exist or suicide.
Although these signs can signify other mental health-related issues, it is critical to ask specific and difficult questions about whether their child is being bullied. Parents/caregivers, school staff and other caring adults can help children understand bullying and talk about any incidents that may have or are occurring. Maintaining open communication, which allows a youth to feel safe, understood and accepted without judgment is critically important at every age and developmental stage.
Some openers to conversations can include checking in on good things that happened in their school day and any bad things; and, asking who they sit with at lunch, recess, on the bus and asking a bit about the children they spend time with. Continued conversation can include asking about how their friends interact with them and how they interact and get along with each other; asking if they know what bullying means and if they see it in their school; asking about if they ever feel afraid to go to school or a particular activity and why; asking if they have ever seen bullying or if they have ever felt bullied; and what would they do if they saw someone being bullied or if they were ever bullied. Offer options and support at all stages of the conversation. Remember, it is tough for most children to talk about bullying, so be patient, but persistent in your communication.
Children who are being bullied need support. Assure them that the bullying is not their fault. Make them feel protected and safe through your words and actions. Offer support and seek external supports for the child when needed.
If you do suspect bullying at school, be sure to get the facts and reach out to school administration or a program director if the youth is participating in an after-school or community program. Seek assistance in determining whether a situation is bullying or something else. Many behaviors that look like bullying may require different approaches. Be sure to follow through to ensure everyone’s safety and to ensure that the bullying doesn’t continue.
In closing, children learn from adults’ actions. If we treat others with kindness and respect, we show our children that there is no place for bullying.