Man’s devotion to his family leaves girlfriend feeling lonely
DEAR ABBY:
My boyfriend and I just moved in together. We have been a couple for seven years. Until now, we have lived with our parents.
I knew moving in would be a struggle for him because he’s very close to his four siblings. Now that we’ve moved in, he calls and video chats with them every day, visits twice a week or more, and has sleepovers. He also leaves work early to take his siblings on field trips or attend their sports events.
I’m finding it very frustrating being alone all the time. I have talked to him and expressed my feelings about the amount of time he spends with his family. In my opinion, it’s excessive, especially since neither of his parents works.
He asked me to give him time to adjust, but it has already been a month. This is the man I want to marry one day, but I can’t help but feel like I’m never put first. Please help! —CONFOUNDED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFOUNDED: You and your boyfriend have been living together a grand total of one month. This is a period of adjustment for BOTH of you. It’s unrealistic to expect your boyfriend — who appears to be tightly bound to his parents and siblings — to instantly focus all his attention on you.
My advice, and I hope you will heed it, is to devote time to your own interests and activities so you won’t be so dependent on him. Give it six months. If things haven’t resolved in that amount of time, write me again.
DEAR ABBY:
I am single, 33, and have two kids. I have dipped my toe in the dating pool without success. I am not lonely, but I find myself wanting a relationship.
When I tried dating websites, I got a mixed bag of colorful characters. When I do find someone I’m interested in, it fizzles out quickly.
We start out by messaging on the site, then we text each other. The problem I am hav- ing is that these men don’t ask “get to know you questions” or keep up a conversation at all. If I don’t text first or keep the conversation going, there’s no communication at all. All of them state they want a relationship, but they don’t put forth the effort. I’m not sure what the problem is.
Every time this happens, I forget about dating for a while, but it happens again and again. Have any sage advice for me?
—LOOKING IN NEBRASKA
DEAR LOOKING: You say you are messaging back and forth. After a few days of conversation, have you suggested getting together for a coffee date? It might provide an opportunity to find out more about these men. If you have done that and encountered resistance, it might suggest you are coming on too strong or they aren’t quite as ready as they have advertised.
Because there is so much distraction and so much choice in online dating, perhaps you should consider meeting men the old-fashioned way — through friends, relatives or social groups. Meeting someone special when one least expects it has been known to happen.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
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