Backup boyfriend can’t say no to teacher he’s in love with
DEAR ABBY:
I’m a 39-year-old gay male who was in a relationship with a very attractive 44-year-old teacher. He never wanted to commit to a monogamous relationship.
After 10 months of seeing each other, he informed me that he is about to enter into a relationship with a 22-year-old. He said it was nothing I did, but he is just attracted to younger guys when it comes to relationships. He also informed me that he will always be in my life and will never let me go. He said we could see each other secretly, but no more dates or public outings. I can see him only occasionally now, whenever the new boyfriend is working or out of town.
I’m afraid not to go over when he calls because I’m in love with him. I’m afraid if I don’t abide by the terms of the relationship he has set, he will disappear out of my life. It hurts to see him in a new relationship, while I beg and wait for time with him. What do I do in this situation? —RUNNER-UP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RUNNER-UP: I know what you are experiencing is painful, but if you have an ounce of self-esteem left, cut your losses and stop being this man’s “booty call.” To say the dynamics of this relationship are unhealthy for you would be an understatement.
He thinks he will always be in your life because you will tolerate this awful status quo. The only thing he is prepared to give you is more of what you have been getting – pain. Recognize that things don’t always turn out as we would wish, get emotional support where you can find it – from friends or a licensed therapist, if necessary – and move on. PLEASE.
DEAR ABBY:
I am an adult in my mid-30s who has no contact with my biological father. My parents divorced shortly after I was born and shared custody of me. When I was staying with my father, he began molesting me. I told my mom because I knew something was not right. We went to court, he received very little jail time and was on probation for a short while after. After he went to court, I stopped all contact with him.
He has tried a few times in recent years to have a relationship with me. He even went as far as contacting me when I was about to turn 15, demanding that I spend time with him. We went to court again, and I was granted a permanent restraining order against him.
Now for my question: He is very ill. I still want nothing to do with him, for obvious reasons. I have an older brother who sees him and takes responsibility for his needs. Am I obligated to help with my father’s needs, and should I have to pay for, plan and/or attend his funeral when the time comes?
—OUT OF THE PICTURE
DEAR OUT: No! You are not legally or morally obligated to pay for your molester’s care, and you do not have to attend his funeral unless you are doing it to get closure.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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