Our children won’t clean up their toys. What can we do?

Q: Any advice for getting children to clean up their toys? Our daughters, 6 and 4, drag all the stuffed animals and art supplies all over the house. Then they whine, cry and find something else to play with when it’s time to clean up. When they do clean up, it’s pretty haphazard, and items are not put back where they belong. I would like them to learn the pleasures of a tidy space where you can find what you need.

A: I will admit to laughing out loud when I read, “We’re out of carrots and we’re out of sticks.” I think every parent has felt this way! And the truth is, I really don’t know a lot about what’s happening here. Is this an organizational issue? Is this a communication issue? Is this a control issue? Is this a poor-timing issue? Is it all of the above? Because I don’t know, though you’ve given me a hint with the carrot-stick reference, let’s start at the beginning.

Here’s a Parenting 101 tip: Don’t do anything in the evening. Seriously. Young children plus the evening equals commands, demands, frustration and not much of anything getting done. I am a big fan of not doing what doesn’t work, and this is an easy one. Stop expecting big cleanups in the evening. Do it earlier, and if you are going to straighten up at the end of the day, make it bite-size.

Another Parenting 101 lesson? Remember that you and your children do not share the same expectations, values or needs around items and tidying. Parenting is a lifelong apprenticeship, and this is the time where we help our children see the benefits of keeping things tidy. But it’s best if you don’t assume that you and your children have the same goals, because this will help you from being chronically disappointed.

And one more tip: Children love to complete tasks and do real work when the tasks are clear (all dolls go in the basket); are preplanned and co-planned (you and your children have decided what will happen before the evening); and have a defined stopping point (the tidying ends with the dolls, no more, no less).

To tidy in a way that is clear, preplanned, co-planned and defined, let’s use the easiest strategy I know: the family meeting. On a stress-free Saturday morning, for instance, call everyone to the table, floor or wherever you’d like. Then say something such as: “I’ve noticed there are a lot of toys out every night. I’m afraid I’ll step on them, break them or trip, and it’s safest if they’re put away. What do you think?” Then wait for your children to respond. This is an opportunity for them to be creative with their solutions – and for the family to come together to meet everyone’s expectations.