Approaching children by age
If you have more than one child, talk to each one individually so that the message and approach may be tailored to their maturity and level of understanding. Involve all children and give them information as you see appropriate based on what each needs to hear.
Age 1-8
Speak simply about the diagnosis. “The body is made up of lots of different parts. When someone has cancer, it means that something has gone wrong with one of these parts and it’s stopped doing what it’s supposed to do. Part of the body is no longer normal.”
Possible struggles: understanding all the implications of cancer, accepting how different you look and how others might stare
Age 9-18
Go into more depth about the cancer and the changes it will create. Possible struggles: understanding all the implications of cancer and what they’re supposed to do
Age 19+
Involve them on details of your health and be honest about how they can help and what the situation looks like. Be prepared; they may ask more technical questions based on experience in life or stories they’ve heard, and it may be more difficult to monitor their coping mechanisms due to geographic issues (college, job locations). As appropriate, give them more responsibilities
Possible struggles: deciding the balance of college, work and involvement in your life and feeling uncertain about the future
Additional concerns for adult children
• Managing the other parent’s emotions
• Managing thoughts of you not being there for milestone moments
(wedding, graduations, career moves, time with grandchildren)
• Balancing career/family of their own and care for you and the other parent • Managing some of the practical things if both parents are unable to do so • Deciding their involvement (being caregiver, moving closer, making career
or financial adjustments)
• Questioning their own health and the cancer’s genetic implications
Grandchildren
Grandchildren can be affected by a person’s cancer. Recognize that your adult child is trying to navigate through their own feelings as well as their child’s. Work together on what the best approach is for the grandchildren.