Communicating with your children

Your cancer diagnosis has a major impact on your entire family. Children can have many different reactions when a parent or relative has cancer, including fear, confusion, guilt or anger. Let your children know that no feelings are ever wrong. Whatever they feel is okay and normal and it can change from day to day.

According to the American Cancer Society, young children (up to 8 years old) will not need a lot of detailed information, while older children (8 to 12 years) and teens will need to know more.

All children need the following basic information:

• The name of the cancer, such as breast cancer or lymphoma • The part of the body where the cancer is

• How it will be treated

• How their own lives will be affected

American Cancer Society has more recommendations for talking to your children, including words that you can use to define some of cancer’s terminology: cancer. org/treatment/children-and-cancer/when-a-family-member-has-cancer/dealingwith-diagnosis.html

CancerCare (www.cancercare.org) offers the following tips for communicating with your children:

• Set the tone.

Use a calm, reassuring voice, even if you become sad. This will help your children see how you are trying to cope and will help them do the same.

• Explain the treatment plan and how it will affect their lives.

Prepare your children for any physical changes you might go through during treatment (for instance, hair loss, extreme tiredness or weight loss.) Let your children know their needs will be taken care of (for example, Grandma will take you to soccer practice or Dad will pick you up from school for awhile.)

• Answer your children’s questions as accurately as possible.

Allow them to ask any questions they want. It’s okay not to know the answer. Tell them you don’t know but you will find out the answer and let them know.

• Reassure your children.

Explain to them that they could never cause you to have cancer. Let your children know they cannot “catch” cancer like they can catch a cold. Listen to their concerns, and ask them if anything you said scared them or didn’t make sense.

• Let them know they can turn to people in your support system.

Remind them who is in their life who can help them deal with their feelings about you having cancer or to ask questions and express concerns. This could include their other family members, friends, teachers, coaches or clergy.

• Allow your children to participate in your care.

Give them tasks they can do, such as making you a cup of tea, or bringing you a glass of water or an extra blanket.

• Encourage your children to express their feelings.

Let them know they can share any feeling, even those that are uncomfortable. It’s also okay to say, I don’t feel like talking right now.

• Show a lot of love and affection.

Let them know your love will never change for them. Cancer can be overwhelming and disruptive, but it doesn’t change the fact that you know your children best. Trust your sense of how to best support them during this difficult time.