Late Night Laughs: Keeping Up With the Candidates

›

It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. — Jimmy Fallon ›

Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, “Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?” — Jimmy Fallon ›

Hillary had to reach the threshold of 2,383 delegates to become the presumptive nominee. Hillary hasn’t been this excited about a threshold since the one she carried Bill over on their wedding night. — Jimmy Fallon ›

It’s official now. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president. — Seth Meyers ›

Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters in Los Angeles that the struggle continues. The struggle to understand math? — Seth Meyers ›

And last night [Donald Trump] shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb. — Stephen Colbert

›

In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, “Once and for all.” — Seth Meyers ›

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.” — Jimmy Fallon ›

Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the “textbook definition” of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University. — Jimmy Fallon ›

Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” Said Hillary, “Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.” — Seth Meyers ›

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled “Hint Hint.” — Conan O’Brien ›

“Tomorrow is the California primary. Analysts say it’s make or break for Bernie Sanders. Either Bernie wins and he keeps going or he loses and he keeps going.” – Conan O’Brien ›

The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he’s going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email. — Stephen Colbert ›

The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way. — Stephen Colbert ›

Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear “no,” what she hears is, “Try again in eight years.” — Stephen Colbert ›

The Huffington Post has put out a new article on a Chinese factory that makes Donald Trump masks. And now Eric and Donald Jr. take turns wearing it and saying, “I love you, son.” — Seth Meyers ›

In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money- grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump. — Conan O’Brien ›

In an interview, Donald Trump said he won’t have to ask God for “much forgiveness.” Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who’s a Muslim. — Conan O’Brien ›

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! — Conan O’Brien ›

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, “Can you start tomorrow?” — Conan O’Brien Source: politicalhumor. about. com