Late Night Laughs

KEEPING UP WITH THE CANDIDATES

Anti-Trump Republicans have reportedly been re- energized by reports that Donald Trump’s campaign is having financial problems that could lead to an alternative GOP nominee. “Awesome,” said Jeb Bush, before slipping on a banana peel and falling into a manhole. — Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders admitted today that he “doesn’t appear” to be the nominee. Just to make sure, Bernie said he’ll stay in the race for two more years. — Conan O’Brien

Bernie Sanders still hasn’t officially dropped out of the race for president, but earlier today, he gave a speech with the theme “Where do we go from here?” I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont. — Jimmy Fallon

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called “Dying at 50.” — Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that after leaving office, President Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court. — Conan O’Brien

President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You’ll know it’s Obama’s team when they travel too much and never pass anything. — Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby. — Jimmy Fallon

Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a “witch hunt.” Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her. — Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, “Except for my husband.” — Conan O’Brien