Late Night Laughs Keeping Up With the Candidates

There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left … period. — Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them. — Jimmy Fallon

Trump was asked about his cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and claimed unbelievably that he couldn’t even remember if he’d met Putin or not. Yeah, no offense, but I think I want a president who would remember meeting Vladimir Putin. How many shark- eyed shirtless equestrians do you know? — Seth Meyers

Mike Pence is finding out that being Trump’s VP is like being a fireman who has an arsonist as a roommate. — Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself. — Jimmy Fallon

Today Donald Trump came up with a new nickname for Hillary Clinton, “The Devil.” I like how he says “it’s true,” as if he traveled to hell and confirmed it himself. — Jimmy Kimmel

Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon even. What’s more relatable than a man in a suit eating fried chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet? I don’t know who’s advising him. Who eats KFC with a knife and fork? I don’t even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you don’t need anything. All you need is a face to eat KFC. — Jimmy Kimmel

When asked about possibly running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn’t know how old he really was, he’d guess he’s 44. And if he didn’t know what time it was, he’d guess it’s Miller Time. — Seth Meyers

Eric Trump appeared on “CBS This Morning” today and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him. — Seth Meyers

According to multiple reports, Donald Trump’s campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I don’t blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He’s usually so low- key. — Jimmy Kimmel

The head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was Reince Priebus. — Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas. All the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account. — Jimmy Kimmel

In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re- election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush’s time in office. Said voters, “Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.” — Seth Meyers

A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won’t remember to vote. — Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega has picked his wife to run as his vice presidential candidate. Then Bill and Hillary looked at each other for a second and went, “Nah, nah.” — Jimmy Fallon