Laugh Lines

Olympics check- in From newsmax.com:

› The Olympic torch arrived in Rio today in preparation for Friday’s opening ceremony. And the cool thing about Rio is, if the torch runs out of fuel you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite. — Seth Meyers

› Doctors are telling the Rio athletes competing in water sports not to put their heads under water to avoid getting sick. So remember, if you’re swimming at the Olympics, swim above the water. — Jimmy Fallon

› Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, “Oh, no, don’t — you don’t breathe in the air. That’s even worse.” — Jimmy Fallon

› The golf tournament at the Rio Olympics will be played on a course that is apparently infested with 150-pound rodents. The official said, “Don’t worry, the giant snakes will eat them. So don’t worry about them. Golf away, enjoy yourself.” — Jimmy Fallon

› The Danish government donated a giant Lego model of Rio for the games — and this is very interesting, the Lego buildings are slightly safer than the actual buildings at the Olympics. — Jimmy Fallon

› I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called “The Getaway,” which will act as a floating hotel. ‘Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. “You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here — with the engines running in case things go south.” — Jimmy Fallon

Olympic pros, cons From “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon”:

› Pro: The Opening Ceremonies will feature more than 10,000 athletes parading into Maracana Stadium.

› Con: And singing, “Heeeeeeey Maracana!”

› Pro: Watching Usain Bolt smash the world record in the 100-meter dash.

› Con: Because there was a mosquito chasing him the entire time.

› Pro: Donald Trump tweeting “Go For The Gold!”

› Con: To his makeup artist.

› Pro: Women’s beach volleyball will be played at Copacabana.

› Con: The gold-medal favorite is Lola. She was a showgirl.

› Pro: Team USA winning gold in the high jump.

› Con: Team Jamaica winning gold in the totally high jump.

› Pro: Vladimir Putin’s biggest fear? Olympic drug testing.

› Con: Donald Trump’s biggest fear? Mexican pole vaulters.

› Pro: If you’re caught doping, your medal will be forcibly stripped away and removed.

› Con: Or as Rio athletes call that, “getting a Brazilian.”

› Pro: Seeing athletes do the “water wheel” move during synchronized swimming.

› Con: Seeing athletes do the “Bye Bye Bye” dance during ’Nsynchronized swimming.

› Pro: 10,000 athletes. 200 nations. 28 sports. Three types of medals. Two exciting weeks.

› Con: One working toilet.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Lisa Denton