Late Night Laughs

KEEPING UP WITH THE CANDIDATES

Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable. — Jimmy Fallon

Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone’s surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she’s sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK. — Jimmy Fallon

Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, “Man, I wish.” — Conan O’Brien

Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F and C. — Seth Meyers

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. “Wait, you wanted me to save those?” said his doctor. — Seth Meyers

Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who’s ever been home sick Source: www. newsmax. com from work, she’s just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, “Nope, we’re pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.” — Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president. — Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted “a few times.” Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper. — Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer. — Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump taped an appearance on “Dr. Oz” today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, “At least you know what they’re putting in it.” Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, “You keep telling yourself that.” — Jimmy Fallon

If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on “Dr. Oz” is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father. — James Corden

Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy. — James Corden

There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s “just anxious to get back out there.” That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p. m. thinking, “Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.” — James Corden

Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? — Seth Meyers

Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine. — Seth Meyers

It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump. — Stephen Colbert