Current events

During last night’s “Dancing With the Stars,” two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte’s performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened. — Conan O’Brien

We’re not even sure what they were protesting, but one thing they did accomplish was making Ryan Lochte even more confused than he is normally. “Whoa, why are these guys so mad at dancing?” — James Corden

I get that the protester wants to see him punished, but I don’t think this guy realizes, being on “Dancing With the Stars” IS his punishment. — Jimmy Kimmel

Where were these guys when Paula Deen was on the show, when Tom DeLay was on the show, Warren Sapp, Floyd Mayweather, O.J.? O.J. wasn’t on “Dancing With the Stars?” Well, he will be, with good behavior. — Jimmy Kimmel

Ryan Lochte himself was a little shaken up. They asked him how he was feeling. He said, “So many feelings are going through my head. No thoughts. But a lot of feelings.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Chipotle is testing deliveries by drone. A spokesman for Chipotle said, “If our food is going to come flying out of you, it might as well fly into you.” — Conan O’Brien

A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World’s Fattest Woman. Although, she still plans to put “700 pounds” on her Tinder profile. — Conan O’Brien

A new study came out and it claims that women would be better off going to bed two hours before men. The study was paid for by guys who want to watch porn. — Conan O’Brien

Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store Lisa Denton

after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back. — Jimmy Fallon

A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called “Sit With Us” — or as bullies call it, “Victim Finder.” — Seth Meyers

The Duggars, of the TV show “19 Kids and Counting,” are adopting a 20th child. Not because they wanted one, but because it came free on their punch card. — Conan O’Brien

A spokesman for the royal family says that Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming family trip to Canada will be a “largely casual” and “highly outdoors” event. Then normal people said, “So … camping. You’re going camping.” — Jimmy Fallon