Laugh Lines

Thanks to Reader’s Digest for these funny Christmas and Hanukkah moments, most true stories from readers, posted at www.rd.com.

INTO THE CHURCH

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels: the town hall, the hardware store and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

DENOMINATION

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk. The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32 Reform.”

HIDING THE PRESENTS

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot: the furnace room.

I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”

GIFT EXCHANGE

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-inthe-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”

His response: “Receipts.”

LIMITED KNOWLEDGE

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one.

“No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my 4-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

ODD CHRISTMAS VISIT

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three- night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine and a visit from Satan.”

QUICK CLEANUP

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read: “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”

POST-HOLIDAY BLUES

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party. As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.”

EASY TO FORGIVE

Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”

WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS

My wife took our 3-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, “What time does Jesus get here?” CHRISTMAS EVE SERVICE

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.

Then I re-entered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”

A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”

CONFESSIONS OF A STORE SANTA

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.

“If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

THE WRIGHT WAY TO GIVE

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”

BEATS A BOARD MEETING

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes. GIFT OF THE MAGI?

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.

You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together.

Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.