Laugh Lines

Shirley and Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but know that he was safe.

So she had an idea. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he wouldn’t notice her. The neighbor agreed, explaining that she was up early with her toddler anyway, and it would be a good way to get some exercise.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do, every day, all week. Finally, she said to Timmy, “Have you noticed the lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy replied, “Yeah, I know who she is. That’s Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who is she, and why is she following us?”

“Well ,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, and in the Psalms it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Such suffering

“Just relax,” the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor, and Jim was a nervous wreck.

After what see med like a week, a nurse announced the happy news: “It’s a girl!”

“Thank goodness it’s a girl,” said Jim. “At least when she grows up she won’t have to go through what I just went through.”

Fill ’er up

A collection of vino-related signs passed along by a correspondent.

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can’t.

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I’ve got salad for dinner. Actually fruit salad. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Wine. I’ve got wine for dinner. (From showandtellonline.com.au)

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” — Jack Handy

I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.

Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.

Painted on the back of an Allegro Winery truck in Brogue, Pa.: In case of accident, bring cheese and crackers. Lots and lots of cheese and crackers.

Not to get technical … but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

Dear Alcohol, We had a deal that you would make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk.

I don’t drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I’m not an alcoholic. I’m spiritual.

Fruit loops

Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm and ask to spend the night.

The farmer says, “Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, or you will face the consequences.” The three men agree.

Of course, none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter, and the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to the fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like.

The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds his shotgun on him and says, “OK, start shoving them up your nose.” The man does it.

The second guy comes back with cherries, and the farmer tell him to do the same thing. As the second man begins, he bursts out laughing.

The farmer says, “What’s so funny?”

Between giggles, the second guy says, “Well, George’ll be back in a minute. See, he’s picking watermelons.”

Current events

From “The Late Late Show With James Corden”:

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors!

The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like, “Wait, where’s my watch?”

If you feel bad for the guy who didn’t know he had scissors inside him, i magine being the guy standing behind him in the TSA line.

Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy.

Lisa Denton