Late Night Laughs

THE TRUMP ADJUSTMENT

President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump’s gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade. — Jimmy Fallon

Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the U. S. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: “The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You’d Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)” — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford and General Motors. And he asked them one question, “How many people do you think were at my inauguration?” — Seth Meyers

Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that’s true he still has to be president, right? — Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, “I mean for God’s sake, look who they chose!” — Conan O’Brien

Trump tweeted this morning, “I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and” — he goes on to another one — “even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.” That’s right, dead people voted. And I like that he added “many for a long time,” which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that. — Jimmy Kimmel

According to a report from the Brennan Center for Justice, the rate of voter fraud, the real rate in U. S. elections, is between .00004 percent and .00009 percent. In other words, about the same rate as the couples on “The Bachelor” who get married. — Jimmy Kimmel

It’s a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn’t want. — Jimmy Kimmel

It is true — I’m not making this up — he did call his inauguration day “A National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un. — Conan O’Brien

ABC will air a prime-time special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn’t even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people. — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it. — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, “I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.” — Conan O’Brien