Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

President Trump took office one month ago today. Wow, it’s hard to believe the past few years have only been a month! — Seth Meyers

In [a recent] press conference, Trump claimed to have had the biggest electoral win since Reagan, and when a reporter pointed out that was false, Trump responded with — and I quote — “I’ve seen that information around.” Around? He saw this information “around?” What, like it was tacked to a bulletin board next to guitar lessons and a picture of a lost cat? — Conan O’Brien

[The press conference] was in response to his secretary of labor withdrawing his nomination and Trump having to pick a replacement. Trump’s original pick, Andrew Puzder, is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. But Puzder withdrew his nomination after it became clear he would not get confirmed. When asked what he was going to do next, Puzder said, “Please drive around to the second window and we can talk there.” — Conan O’Brien

That’s how bad things are in the Trump administration right now. Someone asks you if you’d like to work in the White House and you’re like, “No thanks, I’d rather work at Carl’s Jr.” — Conan O’Brien

At a rally this weekend, President Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he claimed “fought with the media and called them out.” Yup, that’s who Abraham Lincoln was most famous for warring with. The media. — Seth Meyers

At his rally on Saturday, Trump suggested there was a terror attack in Sweden that didn’t really happen — and then the Swedish Embassy asked the State Department for an explanation. You know things are bad when the country that makes Ikea instructions is totally confused. — Jimmy Fallon

Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” — Jimmy Fallon

The British parliament is debating whether or not Donald Trump should be allow to make a state visit to the United Kingdom after a petition to keep him out garnered 1.8 million signatures. Hey, Donald, how’s that travel ban feel when it’s on the other foot? — James Corden

It was reported this week that Donald Trump has made six different trips to golf courses in Florida in his first month as president. It’s definitely a lot for a guy who once tweeted: “Can you believe that with all the problems and difficulties facing the U. S., President Obama spent the day playing golf?” We all thought Trump was being critical. Turns out he was being jealous. — James Corden

President Trump had dinner with Mike Pence in the presidential dining room today. Pence said grace, and Trump said, “There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration.” — Seth Meyers

The White House today disputed claims that a retired general turned down President Trump’s offer to serve as national security adviser, saying he made it very clear he wanted the job but refused for financial reasons. Well, technically what he said was, “I wouldn’t do that job for all the money in the world.” — Seth Meyers

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U. S. state — panic. — Seth Meyers

Trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on Martin Luther King Day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. It’s understandable. As Dr. King himself said, “I have a dream — unless something else comes up. Then it can wait.” — Stephen Colbert

President Trump today tweeted that the “failing New York Times must apologize” for publishing leaks from his administration, but at this point, if they didn’t publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword. — Seth Meyers

The Washington Post has done an analysis of Trump’s first month as president and says that during that time, Trump has made 133 false or misleading statements. That’s right, 133 false statements. Isn’t that — [mimes listening to earpiece] sorry, it’s absolutely 134. It’s 135 — it’s — it’s 137. Forget it, we’ll be here all night. — James Corden

The Washington Post says that he has lied over 130 times in just his first month. If you do the math, he’s releasing an average of four false or misleading statements per day. On the bright side, you can’t say Trump isn’t getting anything done. — James Corden

Now the most shocking thing in this report is that it’s only been 34 days. How? It feels like he’s halfway into his second term, doesn’t it? This is the first administration where the public is aging faster than the president. — James Corden

If you are visiting in New York right now, you might have noticed that yesterday, activists put a banner on the Statue of Liberty reading, “Refugees Welcome.” It’s absolutely a lovely thought, but kind of redundant on the Statue of Liberty, isn’t it? It’s like taking a rainbow flag and adding, “We Like the Gays!” It’s not necessary. — Stephen Colbert Source: www. newsmax. com