Laugh Lines

To celebrate, enunciate

Bill’s second anniversary was coming up, and if there was one thing that got his wife, Suzy, upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.

Bill quizzed all his friends, co-workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.

Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note: “Happy Anniversary, Year Number Two!”

The morning of t he anniversary, Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited eagerly in the kitchen.

“WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Suzy yelled angrily as she walked back into the kitchen, holding up his well-thought-out note, “Happy Anniversary, You’re Number Two!”

Snap judgment

A man dies and goes to his judgment.

As he stands before the pearly gates, St. Peter tells him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you, we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thinks for a moment and replies, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow, that’s impressive,” St. Peter says, rifling through his papers. “When did this happen?”

The man says, “About three minutes ago.”

The remedy

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the doctor after much urging by his wife, Hazel. After a thorough examination, with much input from Hazel, the doctor was ready to tell Harry his prognosis.

Harry was too stressed out, the doctor explained. He would need six months of pure relaxation.

Hazel, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.

“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.

“OK,” said the doctor. “First, I would like your wife to take one tranquiliz- er four times a day.”

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

› Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!” — Jimmy Fallon

› I saw that earlier today, O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.” — Jimmy Fallon

› One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. — James Corden

› This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can’t host a talk show. You can be president, but you can’t host a talk show. — James Corden

› In addition to being cable’s top- rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best- selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” — James Corden

› Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. — Stephen Colbert

› After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to [sidekick] Andy [Richter], “Nice rack.” — Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Lisa Denton