Current events

› According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.” — Conan O’Brien

› Things still aren’t looking good for United Airlines. Last week there was a huge story where they assaulted a man by pulling him off a flight. Well, Saturday, United kicked an engaged couple who were on the way to their wedding off of a plane for changing seats. Because you know, after their last PR debacle United decided, “We’re not going to pull one more person off a flight — we’re going to pull two.” — James Corden

› In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now. — Conan O’Brien

› American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby. — Conan O’Brien

› On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché.” — Jimmy Fallon

› Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.” — Conan O’Brien

› A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United.” — Seth Meyers

› The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. — James Corden

› A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait … what was the question?” — Jimmy Fallon

› Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it’s still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can’t arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It’s confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you’re high. — Jimmy Kimmel