Late Night Laughs: Around the White House

This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg. — Conan O’Brien

Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.” — Conan O’Brien

On Sunday Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for, quote, “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like, they can just buy us a round of beers? — James Corden

Can you imagine if other great leaders had talked this way? “I have a dream … in some form, at a later date.” — James Corden

Today President Trump congratulated NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson for breaking a record for total time spent in space by a U. S. astronaut. Trump asked her how she managed to be up there for so long, and she explained it was easy. “You see, you announced you were running for president, and I immediately asked to be launched into space as soon as possible.” — James Corden

Trump wanted to know what the hardest part has been, and she explained, “Having to deal with the dark, empty vacuum of nothingness.” But she then continued, “As soon as this call is over, I’ll be fine.” — James Corden

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding. — Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just vandalized again. As of tonight, police have narrowed down the list of suspects to 150 million people. — Jimmy Fallon

President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration. — Seth Meyers