Current events

This week, a Toyota Land Cruiser set the record as the world’s fastest SUV after reaching 230 mph. Apparently somebody was really late to their kid’s soccer game. — Conan O’Brien

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means. — Seth Meyers

I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn’t have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop. — Jimmy Fallon

… 39-year-old Emman- uel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” — Jimmy Fallon

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and, I assume, possession of weed. — Jimmy Fallon

A Girl Scout troop leader in Kentucky is on the run from police after she allegedly stole $15,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. The suspect is now at large. And getting larger every minute. — James Corden

A new study found that more than half of American doctors are burnt out, exhausted and losing their sense of purpose. So, if your doctor seems burnt out, exhausted and losing his sense of purpose, ask if Zoloft might be right for him. — Jimmy Fallon

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress. — James Corden

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?” — Seth Meyers