Laugh Lines No regerts

Uno, dos …

From Leland Parrot: A magician from Mexico told his audience he would disappear on the count of three.

“Uno …” he said, building suspense. “Dos …” he continued. Poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Holding on

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room discussing a living will.

“Just so you know,” the husband says, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.”

The wife got up and unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Which is it?

A wife got so mad at her husband, she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow painful death.”

He turned around and said, “So you want me to stay?”

Marriage bonds

A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks.

“It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”

Fatality

A man called his doctor and said, “Doc, I think my wife is dead.”

The doctor replied, “What makes you think that?”

The man said, “Well, the sex hasn’t changed, but the dishes are piling up.” Things you don’t want to hear in a tattoo parlor:

› Eagle? I thought you said beagle.

› We’re all out of red, so I used pink. › There are two o’s in Bob, right? ›

I hate it when I get the hiccups. ›

Anything else you want to say? You’ve got plenty of room back here. ›

I’ll bet you can’t tell I’ve never done this before.

Over his head

A 4-year old was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”

“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

Quickest way

An American tourist is visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approaches a local person and asks, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”

The local, scratches his head. “Are ya walkin’ er drivin’?” he asks the stranger.

“I’m driving,” says the stranger.

“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

Two sons

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. They named one Mind Your Own Business and the other Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide-andseek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to 100.

Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. No luck. So he expanded the search, looking under cars parked in the neighborhood.

This got the attention of a police officer, who approached and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a game,” the boy replied.

“What’s your name?” the officer asked.

“Mind Your Own Business.”

The officer said, “Are you looking for trouble?!”

The boy said, “Why, yes.”

Lisa Denton